EFCI chapter 20

Chapter 20: The Bronze Hat

The gang arrives on a beach just in time to see two pirates having a conversion around the campfire. One of them is a big rat with brown fur with strawberry blonde like hair, a large pink tail, pink nose, and bluish gray eyes. He wore a tuxedo like jacket with a red baseball cap, sleeveless white gloves and sneakers. What's interesting about him is the face that he got human like ears. He also got a Chatot on each side of his shoulders.

The other one is a thin female mouse with some light brown on most of his face and chest area with gray blue-eyed mouse with light gray on her face and chest to tummy, and brown on her feet, hands, tail, and hair along with a red nose and reddish eyes. She wears a tunic with a red cape.

"And that is when I cut his pancreas right out." The female mouse said to the male rat with a giggle.

"Hello," Loud said to the two pirates, making them gasp in horror and alarm.

"You idiots!"

"What the hell are you thinking?!" The rat exclaim in horror.

"What's wrong?" Jesse asks the two pirates in concern. Apparently, Loud has done something wrong to spook these two out.

"He will see us, lady, what do you think?!"

"Well, sorry, we just arrive and..." Mowgli begins to say in concern.

"Sorry, I got to get out of here!" The girl mouse exclaim in fear as she quickly run away from the scene and for one good reason.

"Fire," The familiar mad voice of Klink is heard followed by the sound of cannonball firing. The group yelps in alarm. They are being fired at again but from where?

"Uh, some of you guys may want to move a bit to your left." The male rat said to the newcomers in concern. Loud and his friends look up and quickly jump out of the way as a cannonball lands right near where they were at. Hell, that was a close one!

"Wow, thanks." Ken said to the pirate in relief.

"Thanks. Now please leave so I can get back to my conversion with the lovely and delightful Miss Penny Mouse."

Loud and his friends calm down while glancing at the cannonball. That asshole Klink almost killed them...again! Well, while they are here, the heroes may as well as a conversion with the rat pirate.

"Who are you annoying people?" The rat pirate asks the heroes in annoyance.

"My name is Loud Kiddington, Mighty Pirate, and these are my friends Ryan, Mowgli, Melody, Uther, jjb88, T.K., Kari, Patamon, Gatomon, Yolei, Hawkmon, Harry, Hermione and Ken," Loud said introducing himself and the others. "You are?"

"My name is Malcolm Ratigan, last of the Ratigan pirates."

"Ratigan," Jesse exclaim in shock and alarm. "Yes, someone told us that you were friends of my people the Tonkawa..."

"Sssh! Never know who is listening!" Malcolm exclaim to Jesse in worry, interrupting what she is saying. "Let's speak this part of the conversion in frigging Japanese."

Ryan nods as he spoke to Malcolm; speaking Japanese, "Thank you for seeing us on such short notice."

"You speak Japanese?" Jesse asks Ryan in surprise.

Ryan, in his normal language, answer, "Well, duh. I AM a samurai, after all."

"Well, ask him what he knows about my kidnapped father."

Ryan, translated from Japanese, said, "My lady friend is looking for her father. He was kidnapped by a powerful evil monster."

Malcolm nods then says something in Japanese while offering some food. Jesse look shocked as she thought that the pirate is saying something else due to her reading the subtitles wrong (don't ask).

Jesse, shocked, asks in disgust, "Please eat what?"

"He said 'please eat some Dungeness Crab'." Ryan explains to Jesse normally, clearing up the misunderstanding.

"Oh."

Ryan, translated from Japanese, ask Malcolm, "What do you know about her father's whereabouts?"

Malcom shrugs then says something in Japanese, much to Jesse's anger. Once again, the bitch thinks he said something else.

"Your WHAT is happy?" Jesse asks angrily.

Ryan, in English, said, "No. He said 'Your assignment is an unhappy one.'"

Jesse sheepishly said, "Oh."

Malcom says something else in Japanese, which causes Yolei, who is reading the damn subtitles, to open her mouth in shock.

"Nice potty-mouth, dirt bag!" Jesse snaps angrily at Malcolm in disgust. How dare he!

Malcolm quickly shows the subtitle actually reading, 'I have a huge rodent problem'

"Oh."

Malcolm, translated from Japanese, "A little off the topic, but still unfortunate."

"Yes. QUITE off the topic. Thank you very much." Jesse said with a nod.

Malcolm, speaking English, said, "Why don't I just speak in English?"

"That would be a good idea now, wouldn't it? That way, I wouldn't be misreading the subtitles, making it look like you are saying things that are dirty."

"Pointless anyway. So what's with the damn cannonball?" Iago ask as he glance at the cannonball that almost hit the good guys still in the stand nearby.

"The dreadful Colonel Klink jerk. Every time that German sees three or more pirates talking on the beach, the asshole thinks a conspiracy is happening." Malcolm explains in concern. "So he shoots cannonballs at us to stop the whole thing. Why, if I weren't so comfortable and happy on this beach, I would go over to that ship and kick his ass myself."

"Wait, I forgot: why does Klink fire cannonballs at you people?" Patamon ask Malcolm puzzled.

"The German is a delusional and paranoid freak! When Klink sees three or more pirates talking, he thinks we're planning an invasion of Holliday Island! So Klink fires his cannons at us to break up our conversions."

"Say, do you notice you got two Chatots on your shoulders?" jjb88 ask Malcolm as he glance at the two Chatots who didn't say a word during the conversion.

"Oh, are there pirates on my shoulders? I did not see them." Malcolm said to jjb88 sarcastically.

"Wait, was that sarcasm?"

"No crap, Sherlock. To be honest though, I can't frigging tell anymore. Anyway, these two little guys are in fact my Pokemon Chatots. I call them Huggyn and Kissyn."

"Oh tell me you are joking!" Loud exclaim with a laugh like mad. Once he's done, the boy notice that the rat isn't laughing with him, much to the hero's disbelief. "You're not joking, are you? So...which Chatot's Huggyn and which Chatot's Kissyn?"

"God, I can't believe I lived long enough for you to say that, Loud." Ryan said to Loud in disbelief.

"Hell if I know. They're identical twins." Malcolm said with a shrug. "Shame really."

"Why's that?" Kari asks Malcolm curiously, wondering about the pirate's remark.

"These two Chatots are special ones!"

"Special how? What, they sing light operas?" Loud ask Malcolm.

"Do their fire pistols from their beaks?" Gatomon ask Malcolm, wondering if that's what the Chatots does.

"These guys solve crimes or what?" Uther ask Malcolm in a ponder.

"No, of course. But these two Chatots are cursed with vodoo magic." Malcolm explains.

"Cursed? Like how," Harry ask Malcolm with a ponder. What curse is these two Chatos are under that makes them special?

"Well, one of them always tells the truth, while the other always tells lies. Right, guys," Malcolm explains before asking his parrots on his shoulders.

"Yes! Chatot," One Chatot said in agreement.

"No! Chatot," The other Chatot said in disagreement. Of course, since these two Pokemon look alike, hell, it's hard to say which one said which.

Soon the two Chatots flew up into the air, around in the sky and land back on Malcolm's shoulders. It's hard to tell which Chatot is which now. The rat pirate sighs while saying, "Hell, they always keep doing that to me. If I knew which Chatot is which, they would be amazingly useful. As it is, they're rather frigging annoying."

"Forgive me, but you're so huge like someone we knew." Hermione comments to Malcolm.

"Oh, figure that one out by yourself, huh?"

"Listen, we're looking for pieces of the Fatal Insult." Loud begins to say to Malcolm.

"Say, what's that?" Malcolm ask Loud curiously and puzzled. Apparently, this young rat has no clue to the voodoo talisman's existence either.

"A item that is an ancient voodoo talisman of ass kicking great power."

"Wow. Sounds dreadful."

"That is why Jesse's father is kidnapped. He knew of the language that is used for the Fatal Insult." Ryan said. "Tell us what you know of him."

"Oh, him? He and I are old pals. I used to go to his village before I ended up here. We're kinda like peanut berry and jelly, as well as cheese and mice. Ironic, eh?" Malcolm remarks while chuckling softly. "His tribe used to welcome me with open arms and sometimes battle axes. Jesse's dad always told me the last part was a joke."

"Do you know anything about his kidnapping?" Jesse asks Malcolm in concern.

"Recently? Well, I may be trapped here but I have gotten bottles or so about something involving him getting beaten up and such."

"My goodness! But what about the language?"

"Oh yeah. That. I heard him used some weird-o language a few times, but hell if I know what it means. I always thought it was his tribe's language." Malcolm explains.

Loud during the conversion did some thoughtful thinking about Malcolm's last name, then he remark, "'Malcolm Ratigan'. Say, are you related to Professor Padriac Ratigan by any chance," Hearing that question made the young rat pirate look sadden.

"Padriac is...my father."

"I see. Well, we like to talk about your dad, if you know mind." Yolei said to Malcolm gently while smiling.

Malcolm sniff sadly while saying, "Well, okay..."

"This is going to sound ridiculous but was Padriac really a Friendly Pirate?" Loud ask Malcolm curiously. Hearing that then made the rat pirate cringe and disgust as if his pride has been wounded with him being insulted at the damn same time.

"No! My daddy was everything a real pirate should be! Violet, vulgar, psychotic and maddening! My father was given the nickname 'The Sea's Greatest Criminal Mastermind' due to his smart thinking and cruel tactics! Why, pirates would once line up for miles just to spit on his grave!"

Malcolm sniffs and sobs sadly at the whole thing. Apparently, his father given the Friendly Pirate nickname has hurts him. Melody asks, "Well, if your father is like what you said he is, what's with the 'Ratigan the Friendly Pirate' statue crap?"

Malcolm looks upset and pissed off while explaining, "It's thanks to those soul-less pirates at Mr. Boss Enterprises! They're using my dad's name image as 'happy' icons for their stupid ass 'family-friendly' Holliday Island." Ugh! It pisses me off seeing that physically insulting my father's name and image by doing that!"

"Those jerks," Mowgli exclaim upset. So Ratigan wasn't a friendly pirate but those assholes that Mr. Boss works with have made him something to insult without anyone being the wiser!

"Wait, are you sure you weren't adopted?" Hawkmon ask Malcolm puzzled. "I mean, your father is a rat while you got some...well, human figures on yourself."

"Should've seen my mother Kate Hino," Malcolm remark with a shrug.

"What, a large woman?"

"No, she's got a map of Cartoon Island tattooed on her ass! Well, that and she is a half-toon rat, half human. My mom got rat figures on herself so I kinda got the reverse from her."

"As for the tattoo, so," Loud ask, kinda going to be regretting the answer.

"Actual size," Malcolm said with a devilish smirk, much to the good guys' disgust and alarm.

"Eeeeew," The heroes exclaim in disgust. Somehow they regret even asking the adopted question to Malcolm in the first place.

"So err...what happened to Ratigan's statue?" Jesse asks Malcolm, wanting to get what he just describe of his mother out of her mind.

"I happened to it!" Malcolm remark to Jesse sternly, much to the heroes' surprise and puzzled state.

"Can you be more specific?" Loud ask Malcolm curiously, wondering what Ratigan's own son meant by his comment.

"To lend a touch of 'authenticity' for their precious statue, Mr. Boss's goons have bronzed my father's trademark hat and welded it to the goddamn thing. Furious by this sacrilege, and I guess I gotten that from my father, I gathered some pirates and raided Holliday Island, doing the most despicable nastiest crimes ever to terrorize the ones there already. Before anyone knew what happened, I got my father's hat back, came back to Rock Bottom and buried my treasure!"

"Wow. Your father would be proud of what you have done," Uther comment to Malcolm with a grin.

"Hey thanks." Malcolm said with a chuckle but then the pirate frowns while continuing, "Unfortunately, I think I may have done a terrible mistake as well as my raid has inspired Mr. Boss to hire Klink to patrol Rock Bottom's waters and deport all pirates that he caught and such over here. Now Rock Bottom is nothing more than a death camp for pirates who don't share Mr. Boss's own 'vision'."

Well, that explains why all pirates haven't been seen on Holliday Island. It's all thanks to Malcolm Ratigan's own raid. But no one could blame him. He has done it to get back what is a treasure to his own family.

"So from one pirate to another, where did you bury your father's hat?" Loud ask Malcolm hopefully. Since Ratigan's hat is now bronze, it would make a damn good piece to the Fatal Insult.

"Hell if I know." Malcolm said with a shrug much to the good guys' surprise.

"What?" Ryan asks Malcolm puzzled.

"All I could remember is that I buried that thing under a boulder on the beach. Unfortunately, I can't remember which one."

"Argh," The group exclaim in annoyance and disgust. This is great. The second piece of the Fatal frigging Insult is under a boulder on the beach somewhere and Malcolm doesn't know where it is!

"Say, if we find your father's hat, all right if we borrow it?" Gatomon ask Malcolm hopefully.

"Don't know. Why would you guys want it?" Malcolm asks the heroes puzzle.

"Because we're going to use it to crush Mr. Boss like a damn bug like he is once and for all." T.K. said to Malcolm with a devilish smirk. Hearing that has made the rat pirate excited. His father's own hat is going to help bring down Mr. Boss?"

"Wow, really?! That is so great! Well, if you find it, feel free to use the thing."

"Well, this subject is obviously painful," Loud said with a shrug. "Let's talk about something else, okay?"

"Okay." Malcolm said sadly as he sniff a bit, remembering his good old dad who died sometime ago.

"Listen, don't get up. We'll see ourselves out, okay?"

"Goodbye, little pirate and friends!"

The heroes of course continue down the beach and soon got a surprisingly huge sight: there are a lot of boulders in the beach. It's amazing that Malcolm would pick just one to hide Ratigan's hat. Klink's ship is nearby still on patrol.

"Holy Jumping Mankeys, that's a bunch of boulders!" Mowgli exclaim in surprise.

"How will we find which one that Ratigan's hat is under?" Melody asks in concern. It would be ages before they find the right boulder that the hat is under. Even then, the whole damn progress would take longer to lift the said rock up to get the said hat.

"We will have to improvise." Harry said as the group head over to the first boulder, looking at it curiously.

Loud took out his whistle, look at the thing before blowing it. The whistle itself made a noise like a Chatot making the hero say, "Wow, it kinda sounds like a Chatot."

Suddenly the heroes spot two familiar Chatots flying over, landing on the boulder before glancing at them. Iago remarks, "Good to see you two here. Shame we can't tell which one of you two assholes can tell the truth or lie."

It was then that the group has got a realization: perhaps the Chatots has seen Malcolm buried his father's hat under a boulder and knew where to find it. Yet, how to see which Pokemon tells the truth and which ones is a dirty liar?

Loud got an idea as he said to T.K., "T.K., give me that Grog Jr. you got from the Micro-Groggery earlier." The boy nods as he gave the Grog Jr. to his captain who then gave it to the left Chatot. The Pokemon drank the stuff then looks a bit dazed.

"Eh, looks like the parrot stun trick works on Chatots too," Iago remark in damn amusement, "So now what?"

"Let's ask questions. Chatot on the left, what is 2 + 2?"

"Chatot! 37! Hiccup," The Chatot said hiccupping a bit.

"Hmmm, that isn't the right answer. That's got to be the lying Chatot." Harry said in thought. So that's how the heroes can tell the Pokemon apart. The Grog Jr. will make one them drunk to get the job done.

The Chatots flew off the rock, into the air and around before landing back on the frigging boulder. Hermione nods while asking the Chatot on the left, "So which way shall we go to find Ratigan's hat?"

"Chatot! South," The Chatot, whom is obviously the truth one, respond to Hermione. Then he and his pal did the flying around crap once more before landing on the boulder.

The group goes to the boulder to the south. The progress goes like this: Loud blows into his whistle, causing the Chatots to land on the boulder near them. The heroes would ask a Pokemon a question then see which direction to go to. The Grog Jr. make the whole thing easier since the drunk Chatot would be the lying one.

After a while of doing this, one Chatot, the truth one, remarks to the direction going question, "Nowhere!

"Hmmm, we know that Chatot always tell the truth." Jesse said in ponder, then the woman came to a realization of her own. "So...that means that Professor Ratigan's hat is under this rock!"

Just then the Chatot flew off from the boulder then into the air. The group watches until the Pokemon are out of sight. Iago remark, "Looks like those two has lost interest."

Now that the heroes have found where the bronze hat is at, one question remains: how will they get the thing out from under it? The boulder is too heavy to lift, it would take days to dig, etc.

Just then Loud glance at Klink's ship and got an idea: he took the puppets of himself and Dark Alex II, putting both on his hands. Ryan, Mowgli and Melody, getting the idea, got the puppet versions of themselves right out.

"Repeat after me," The Ryan puppets said to the other two sternly. "Yo-ho, yo-ho. Near Dark Alex II, I'll never go!"

"Yo-ho, yo-ho. Near Dark Alex II, we'll never go!" The Mowgli and Melody puppets said repeating Ryan. With a smirk, Jesse slaps him from behind, making him yelp in alarm.

"Yow! Mother of pearl! Fire in the poopdeck!"

"Yow! Mother of pearl! Fire in the poopdeck!"

Ryan glares at Jesse in embarrassment, the woman chuckles while saying, "Sorry, could not resist. You got one cute ass." This made the samurai blush red big time.

"My turn. Ahem, hello Lil' Loud," Loud said to the Loud puppet with a smile.

"Hi there, Big Loud," The Loud puppet said to the real version like a kid.

"Hey there, Lil' Dark Alex II."

"Arrr, ahoy there, Big Loud," The Dark Alex II said to the big version with a growl.

"So what is on your mind, Lil' Loud," Loud ask the puppet version of himself, making the others laugh and giggle at what he's doing.

"Well, I say that Lil' Dark Alex II is one damn undead smelly creepy," Lil' Loud remark in amusement.

"Oh, who could hardly argue with that, eh Lil' Loud? What do you think, Lil' Dark Alex II?"

"Well, I think Lil' Loud is one preening pirate wannabe dickhead!" The Dark Alex II puppet said to Loud in annoyance.

"Oh, is that so?" The Loud puppet snaps at the Dark Alex II, upset by the comment.

"Yeah!"

"Now boys..." Loud begins to say to the puppets uneasily, sensing that a fight is about to break out. The idea is to catch Klink's attention and hopefully the jerk would open fire on the boulder very damn soon.

The puppets 'ignore' the puppeteer as the Loud puppet snap furiously, "Immortal lout!"

"Pathetic ass sniffer," The Dark Alex II insults the other puppet right back.

"Unemployed lazy bum!"

"Guys," Loud ask the puppets in concern, though they just 'ignore' him some more.

"Hoo boy, looks like a puppet fight is happening." Harry said to Hermione, making the girl giggle at the remark.

"Pirate poseur," The Dark Alex II puppet snaps angrily at the Loud puppet, insulting him right back.

"Uncultured dead stiff!" The Loud puppet snap, returning the insult to the other guy.

"Girly bitch!"

"Come on, I think that's loud enough to get Klink's attention." Loud said worried and nervously. Hope he doesn't overdo.

"Sounds ironic coming from a loud pirate like you," jjb88 remark to Loud making the hero look sheepishly while his friends laugh at the comment.

"JERK," The Loud puppet insult the Dark Alex II one once more, making the argument more intense.

"IDIOT DICK HEAD," The Dark Alex II insult the Loud one right back.

"NIMROD!"

'DORKY DORK!"

Loud sighs pathetically while saying, "Man, I've obviously got some deep-seated issues to deal with here apparently..."

"MORON!" The Loud puppet scream at the Dark Alex II one as the intense argument continues on while the real version and his friends watch on.

"SPAZZ," The Dark Alex II puppet shot right back at the Loud one with an insult of his own.

"JERK!"

"IDIOT!"

"NIMROD," The Loud puppet snaps at his enemy furiously. Looks like this is one argument that is getting way out of hand here.

"DORK," The Dark Alex II puppet snaps right back as the argument continues on.

Obviously by now, Klink is watching the argument from where he's at on his ship via his telescope. Of course, the man has no idea what they're saying but watching three pirates talking is enough to give one him big idea, even if it's a frigging wrong one!

"Grr! Those ignorant, anarchist savages!" Klink exclaim furiously as he put his telescope down. "They dare to plot against my rightful benevolent tyranny?! Schultz! Get out the Really Big Cannon and prepare to fire!!!"

A pause, then Schultz, who is near the cannons below, is heard groaning, "Awww, do we have to, Herr Klink? Our ears are still hurting like hell from the last time!"

"Damn it, I've got enough of your complaining and your insubordination, Schultz! Get the Really Big Cannon out and blow those terrorists to Kingdom Come!!!"

"Aye-aye, sir..."

Soon a porthole open in the side of the ship as a really big cannon is seen poking out. Klink smirk cruelly, time to teach those pirates once and for all! The German colonel screams out madly, "FIRE!"

Loud's group look up and gasp as they saw a huge cannonball fired from the cannon from the ship, heading their way. The gang quickly ran off, losing the puppets in the progress as the cannonball hits the boulder, blowing it into bits with the Dark Alex II puppet flown into the air before falling back down.

When all is cleared, there's nothing left of the boulder but a huge hole in the ground. The gang came back and looks in carefully. Loud grins as he jumps into the hole itself, holding up a bronze Victorian like hat while saying, "Sweet, here it is! The Bronze Hat of Professor Ratigan!"

Loud, after getting out of the hole, quickly rush out away with his pals before Klink realize that he's been had. Upon returning to where Malcolm was at, Ken said, "Hey, we're back."

"Oh, imagine my delight." Malcolm remark to Ken dryly. "With our conversion, we acted like we're related or something."

"Maybe in another lifetime."

"Look, we found your dad's hat." Ryan said as Loud took out Ratigan's hat, showing it to Malcolm.

Malcolm smiles in approval while saying, "Oh, that's great! Kick ass!"

"Thanks for letting us borrow it. We will see to it that your dad's hat comes back in one piece." Loud promise Malcolm with a smile, though it's unknown if the boy would do as he himself has promised.

Loud then put the bronze hat on the silver monkey mug, both suddenly connect together and hold still, not falling off as if by magic. The heroes are now two-thirds of the way to having their own Fatal Insult. Only one more piece remains which is the golden man part AKA the diving trophy at the contest that Charles Muntz is participating in.

Author's note
All right, Loud now got the second piece of the Fatal Insult, only one more to go. In the next chapter, the hero must beat Charles Muntz to get the diving trophy. In order to do so, Loud must match his moves and the whatnot. Meanwhile, Fifi has troubles of her own trying to win an election when most people won't believe that Dark Alex II is back and disguised as Ratcliffe! Read, review and suggest.

Malcolm Ratigan and Penny Mouse are two of Julayla's OC. The boy rat is Professor Ratigan and Kate Hino (the second is another Julayla OC) while the girl mouse is the daughter of Hiram the Mouse King (from The Nutcracker Prince) and Adelaine (also a Julayla OC). Ken and Malcolm's conversion about being related is a reference to my friend's Nack and Psycho series.

The scene with Malcolm has something that is inspired by a scene from Austin Powers in Goldmember (though, in this case, the male acts as the translator instead of the female because I figure it would make more sense for HIM, being a samurai, to understand Japanese fluently).

The Ryan, Mowgli and Melody puppet scene has a reference to the hooks episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.