EFCI chapter 18

Author's note
Hey folks, sorry for the delay but I'm back on this story. Clockwork Oracle King, there will be a shrine but not what you're expecting. Now let's continue, shall we?

Chapter 18: Hitting Rock Bottom

The others don't know why but Loud has taken them back to the diving contest. Ryan ponders a bit. Does his captain have any strategies for beating Charles Muntz now? The loud pirate knew that he must copy the diver's move but how to make 'little splashes'?

The biggest bitch is getting Squidward's vote due to Mr. Boss's bribery. That would be a problem, but Loud has a solution. The hero went over to the judges' table with the others following before taking out a familiar pamphlet.

Loud smirks as he held the pamphlet, much to Squidward's notice as the squid ask, "What's this?"

"Oh, a brochure for Daffy's Holliday Timeshare Emporium," Loud said slyly to Squidward with a devilish smirk.

"What's your point?

"How about taking a look at page three, Squidy!"

Squidward yelps in horror as Loud points to the picture of the judge with Minerva. The others then realize what their friend is going for and boy, is it going to be crazy!

"Yikes! I knew posing for that picture was a dumb idea!" Squidward exclaim in horror.

"Well, well, your blue-skinned girlfriend is going to be interested in all the TIME you've been SHARIGN with this beautiful mink, eh?" Danny taunts Squidward with a grin.

"Wait, wait, it isn't what you think. She's...a member of the family, right. Really!"

"Oh really? Well, let's us talk to your blue-skinned girlfriend. Perhaps she could clear the matter up. Come on, guys. Let show this brochure to the lady," Loud said with a smirk as he and his pals prepare to leave as if going to look for Squidward's girlfriend.

"NO, STOP! What do you want?!" Squidward ask frantically to the heroes, making them smirk devilishly.

"That depends. What is it worth to you?" Yolei ask Squidward.

"Moneys, jewels, anything, pick one and I will give it to you! But don't tell my girlfriend! You don't know how bitterly jealous she is if she herself finds out about this!"

"Oh I don't know what you could have that we want." Ryan said in pretend thought.

"Actually, there is something you can give me: a fair diving competition," Loud said with a smirk. The pirate is obviously pulling off blackmail to force Squidward to give him a fair contest.

"Wait, that's all? You only wanted a fair diving competition?" Squidward ask Loud in surprise.

"You got it. No bad scores, no taking extra bribes like you did with Mr. Boss, no attitude, just follow what Raimundo and Speedy does when they score and your girlfriend won't know a thing." T.K. explains to Squidward. "So do we have a deal?"

"Deal. Well, it won't do you good anyway though. Charles Muntz is too good to be beaten by a loud-mouth loser like your friend here!"

'That depends on how this contest is won.' Loud thought as he put the brochure away. At least Squidward will have to give the hero a high score if he doesn't want his girlfriend to know of his cheating. One judge down, two more to go.

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Back in town, the heroes head back to the damn docks. Now they are heading over to Rock Bottom. At first Loud and his friends has trouble since they don't know how to get to Rock Bottom itself. Luckily, one of the tourists told them that the place is on a small place on the other side of Holliday Island, though warns them not to go as it's patrolled by the local authorities.

Still, Loud and his friends head to the docks as he calls out to his pals, "Hey guys, how are things here?"

"Fine, but some of us need some time off from watching Xem." jjb88 complains.

"Okay, Danny and I will take Harry and Hermione's place." June suggest with a grin.

"Iago, if you need some time off, feel free to do so." Draco offer to Iago with a smile.

"Hey, thanks for the offer, I'll take it!" Iago said eagerly. Come to think about it, the parrot wants to get away from anymore hard work, even if it means putting himself at risk here.

So Danny, June, Draco, Sweetie and Caitlin heads onto the ship with Harry, Hermione, Iago, Uther and jjb88 going with Loud's group now. The gang glance at some rowboats nearby and figured out how to get to Rock Bottom.

The heroes take some rowboats, with certain number of people in each one, and begin rowing through the waters. Now if what Loud has heard is right: Rock Bottom should be on the other side. The gang kept on rowing a bit. At first, it looks like they won't run into any frigging trouble...

"Fire," A German voice yell furiously. Suddenly a cannonball came from out of nowhere and almost hit the group, landing right in the water.

"Gah," The girls scream in alarm. The gang turns and saw that the voice and cannonball are coming from a huge ship nearby.

"Get over here now!"

Loud and his pals quickly row their rowboats to the ship, not taking a goddamn chance that whoever fired at them will do so again should they refuse his order. Once they got near, the heroes glance to a man glaring at them on deck of the ship itself. He is a yellow skinned man with a nose going downward, balding brown hair, and black eyes. The man is wearing a green military suit with white shirt, blue tie, and black shoes.

"Hey, are you nuts? You almost killed us!" Loud yell to the man in annoyance.

"Crazy, eh," The man scoffs at Loud in amusement in a German voice. "I'm not the one who is violating the rules and regulations of Rock Bottom, am I?"

"What," Melody ask Klink puzzled.

"What are your names?"

'Ivana Tinkle,' Loud thought, insulting the man in his mind. Of course, the hero would've said it but noticing the cannons aimed at the group near the bottom of the frigging ship, he realized that it's unwise to do so. So instead Loud said, "Loud Kiddington and these are my friends."

"Ja, I see. So Mr. Kiddington and friends, what is your business on Rock Bottom," The man ask the group suspiciously.

'Looking for lot of hellva trouble, that's all'. Loud thought but instead he said quickly, "Just looking around."

"Right, we're new here so we don't know about the rules and regulations yet." Hermione said with a nod. The colonel nods, obviously falling for what the two are saying.

"Very good. Now then, Mr. Kiddington and friends, before I let you all go, got any questions, ja," The man ask the group in satisfaction.

"Who the hell are you?" Iago ask the man with a frown, in hopes that he doesn't get insulted by the parrot's tone of voice and open fire again. Luckily, the colonel didn't.

"My name is Wilhelm Luigi Pierre M'Bonga Lang Nebro O'Miley Klink the Third. But you will call me 'Colonel Klink' as if your lives depend on it, which they are!"

"How did you get a long name like that," Harry ask Klink puzzled. What kind of man would have a name like 'Wilhelm Luigi Pierre M'Bonga Lang Nebro O'Miley Klink the Third'.

"Throughout the generations and all over, the Klink family has always enforced the laws of the sea no matter what." Klink explains. "In the progress, we also picked up an interesting bunch of in-laws."

"So what are you doing here?" Ryan ask Klink puzzled.

"Simple, herr. I was given the biggest honor of guarding the commercial interests of Mr. Boss on Holliday Island. As a result, I have rounded up all the foolish damn pirate trash on Holliday Island and deported them to Rock Bottom. They will remain there until they themselves die or become productive members of society, if they want to or not."

So that's it, Rock Bottom is some sort of death retraining camp thing. The pirates are forced to stay there until they become like normal people! Hell, it's a damn good thing that Klink doesn't know that Loud is a pirate or else.

"How many of Rock Bottom's pirates are allowed to return to Holliday in the past?" Loud ask Klink curiously.

"Only a handful," Klink said with a frown while shaking his head. "Ja, I know, it's pretty frustrating and slow reeducating those assholes one at a time. But luckily, I heard Mr. Boss has a secret plan to do so all at once."

Of course. Mr. Boss was referring to his plan to find the Fatal Insult. That is not good. Kari frowns while asking, "Sir, why the hell are you firing at innocent people or pirates?"

"People in case they violate the rules and regulations. As for pirates, madam, in my experience, there are only two kinds of frigging pirates. 1, the ones who committed acts of wanton savagery and 2, those who are planning on committing them! Why, if you were to allow groups of the latter to congregate for any length of time, those sons of the bitches would turn into mobs of the former!"

"What was that middle part again?" Jesse ask with a deep frown. Apparently, Klink is paranoid big time. What a weirdo!

"So you really open fire on cannonballs on a group of pirates you happen to spot?" Patamon ask Klink.

"Of course! It's the only way to end their maddening plotting!" Klink exclaim as one of his eyes twitch a bit. "Why, even as we speak, they are planning evil deeds against the good and wholesome folks of Holliday. Well, not on my watch! I will fire a lot of cannonballs to stop their damnations once and for all!!!"

"Really? All we hear are seagulls," Loud remark, making his pals laughs quietly as to not upset Klink. "Listen, we will just be on our merry way."

"Very good. Remember, I'm watching you all always."

"Now that is a bit creepy," Hermione remark in concern. Klink watching everyone always? Brrr! The heroes glance at a picture of a koala bear on the ship's sail (a certain Down Unda jerk's work most likely) before rowing away.

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It got a bit dark and dampy as the gang sail nears Rock Bottom, but soon they arrived. Upon getting out of the rowboat, Loud and his friends look stunned and shocked at what is Rock Bottom itself.

The whole island looks like a wasteland/death camp. There are barely any houses or a soul on this place. No pirates about, but probably because they are hiding to avoid getting fired at by Klink or doing conversions where the German colonel won't notice.

"I can't believe it...why would Mr. Boss force the pirates to stay in this awful place?" Jesse ask Ryan sadly.

"He hates pirates and won't rest until they are all dead." Ryan explains to Jesse. "We must make sure that Mr. Boss is stop and release the innocent pirates from this place so they do what they themselves do best."

"Which is ironically considered evil to some, but still..." Iago remarks with a shrug.

Loud and his pals heard something coming from some sort of puppet stage nearby, making them all come over. Sure enough, a puppet show itself is happening and, to the group's amusement, the puppet themselves look like Loud and Dark Alex II. How cute!

"Meat,"  The Dark Alex II puppet growl madly.

"Now you're being obstinate. What is more important here..." The Loud puppet responds to the other in concern. At first, the two didn't notice Loud and his friends approaching to watching a very interesting show.

"DAMN VIOLENCE!"

"Yes, now we're getting somewhere. Let's move to..."

"Well, handsome fellow, eh guys?" Loud ask his friends who chuckle a bit while the hero glance at the Loud puppet, then to the Dark Alex II, "Nasty fellow.

"SPITTING," The Dark Alex II puppet exclaim madly. The heroes decide to make their presence known, though this cause the Loud puppet to drop from sight.

"Hey, who are you?"

"Arrr! I be Dumpledore the Disastrous! Scourge of the seven seas!"

"Dumpledore, huh," Ken ask thoughtfully. "I think I heard of you."

"Yes, so do I," Loud said with a thought. Come to think about it, that name does ring a sound to the others now that one can frigging mention it.

"Hell, of course you've heard of me," The puppet snap furiously at the good guys. "I am the nastiest pirate all over, damn it!"

Of course, now the gang remembers Dumpledore! Why, he was said to cut off all 70 men's heads with one spoon. The nastiest pirate could sink 5 ships with a gaze. Hell, there's one story saying he outwitted the Devil for a pack of gum! It's a damn honor to...

"Wait a moment. Dumpledore the Disastrous has died over 80 years ago," Loud said with a frown. The story said that Dumpledore died over 80 years ago when no one heard of him since.

"Hey, do I look frigging dead to you?!" The Dark Alex II puppet remark angrily at what Loud just said.

"More like a sock." jjb88 remark to the Dark Alex II with a frown.

"Look, if you're Dumpledore, where have you been for the past 80 years?" Loud ask the Dark Alex II puppet suspiciously. That question made the said puppet look concerned and dumbstruck as if unable to answer him.

"Uh, well...um, look over there!" The Dark Alex II puppet exclaim in alarm as he points to nothing in particular. This cause the heroes to look puzzled as they around to see what the thing has saw.

During this distraction, the Dark Alex II puppet drop from sight, causing the Loud one to come back. The heroes turn back and notice as T.K. ask, "Who are you?"

"I am Dumpledore the Disastrous, of course." The Loud puppet said to the heroes gently.

"Why can we only talk to you guys one at a time," Melody ask the puppet puzzled.

"What else? Because of that paranoid jerk, Colonel Klink! When he sees three or more pirates talking, the German think they're making some sort of evil plot or mischief. So he fires a cannonball right at them. The only reason Colonel Klink is not firing now is because most of you don't look like pirates, though only your loud friend here can."

"Can't Klink tell the difference between pirates and puppets?" Loud ask the Loud puppet puzzled.

"I am not sure if you do not know this...but Klink is not very bright indeed." The Loud puppet said to the heroes, one can hear a giggle behind the stage, must be the puppet himself of course.

"Wait, wasn't the other puppet Dumpledore?" Mowgli ask the puppet puzzled.

"Yeah, he'd like to think that. But the guy isn't."

"For someone who is called Dumpledore, you sure are level-headed." Ryan said to the puppet in amazement.

"Level-headed? Can puppets be like that?" Jesse asks Ryan curiously.

"Most likely."

The puppet sighs a bit while saying, "80 years living under the influence of the Fatal Insult itself can do that to one person."

"Ah, so you do know something about the Fatal Insult, eh?" Loud ask the puppet with a grin.

"Oh, how I wish I have not. Many years ago, I was the last pirate exposed to the Fatal Insult and its evil power. One fell swoop later, its devastating jibes utterly destroyed my once dominable ego.

Well, how sad. Dumpledore was once the most powerful damn pirate ever, but the Fatal Insult made him into a shell of his former self. Uther ask, "Do you know anything else about the Fatal Insult?"

"The thing destroyed my ego. What else is there to know?" The Loud Puppet asks Uther in a bewildering tone of voice.

"Well, I guess you're right," Loud said with a shrug.

"Well, that and a tribe called the Tonkawa know of the language that the Fatal Insult has used. Only the leader can speak the language and it passed down in the generations for ages."

"My father is the leader of the Tonkawa!" Jesse exclaim in remembrance. "Do you know where he is?"

"No, but a certain Malcolm Ratigan is friends with the tribe leader." The Loud puppet explains. "You may be able to find him around here. Just watch out for Klink."

"We will," Loud said with a nod. At least there's one clue to where Jesse's father is at, "All right if we talk to your puppeteer?"

"It's for the best that you don't. We're trying to keep him safe after all."

"Come on, let us talk to the puppeteer." Loud and the kids exclaim to the puppets at once and eagerly. The others look amazed at how eager these young ones are to finding out the man behind the puppets.

"Well, that is a bit amazing," Hawkmon remark in amazement.

The Loud puppet sighs before saying, "Oh, very well. But try not to make any sudden moves, okay?"

"We will be gentle as baby dolphins." Loud promise the Loud puppet with grins. Soon the puppet disappears as a nervous old man in glasses and a suit peek out. "Ah! So you're Dumpledore!"

"If you say so, but I prefer the name Henry Limpet." The pirate formerly known as Dumpledore said to Loud in a shiver.

"Weird, you don't look like a pirate to me." Harry said puzzled. "More like Barney Fife."

"What, m-me? A fearsome pirate? You must b-b-be mistaken, sir. No, I would never hurt a fly."

"Hmmm, I guess the Fatal Insult did indeed make a major influence on him." Hermione said in concern. "The way he's acting, the pirate may as well be given the nickname 'The Shakiest Sword in the Toonian'."

"Probably," Loud said in concern before turning back to Limpet. "But you're Dumpledore the Disastrous! Damn, I heard you sacked an entire archipelgo with a row boat and the jawbone of a bilge rat called Big Bob!"

"Oh dear, the whole thing sounds too violent and adventurous for me." Limpet said while shaking his head nervously. "The Big Bob name sounds like a mayor of a fictional TV show town."

"Out of curiosity, why do your puppets look like Loud and Dark Alex II?" Iago ask the puppeteer though the man looks around as if having no idea what the parrot is on about.

"Errr, puppets? W-w-what puppets?"

"Wow, you are one basket case." Uther said in amazement.

"Right sir, very good sir," Limpet said nervously in hopes that the heroes would end the conversion and leave him alone in peace.

"All right, wise ass, if there are no puppets, why are you living in a puppet theater?" jjb88 ask Limpet in amusement. Let's see the guy try to talk his way out of that one! "Try explaining that, old man!"

"Come on, this is my home, sir."

"What?"

Limpet looks down sadly while explaining, "Yes, the whole place is not much to look at but it is rather roomy of course." Of course, one may imagine that the former pirate is making all that stuff up out of fear and the obvious.

"I can't believe that you of all people would live in a puppet theater." Loud explain in concern and disbelief.

"Mmmm. Yes, it's a humble home, but I'm a humble man after all."

"Say, know anything about the Fatal Insult," Ryan ask Limpet curiously. If the old man got any more information for the heroes besides from the Loud puppet, then he would give out what the hell he can give.

Hearing the words 'Fatal Insult' has struck a nerve Limpet as he nervously ask, "The F-f-f-fatal Insult? Uh-uh-uhhhhhhhhh!!! Suddenly the old man freaks as he dives back down into the puppet theater once more, much to the surprise of the good guys.

"Wow, that Fatal Insult has really hit home." Mowgli exclaim in amazement.

"Sorry, I didn't know." Ryan said sheepishly.

Just then the Dark Alex II puppet reappears as he frigging snaps at the good guys, "Arrrr! You fools again?"

Well, looks like the good guys will have to go through the puppets in hope to speak with Limpet once more. So the hero once again asks in pretend suspicion, "Look, if you're Dumpledore, where have you been for the past 80 years?"

"Uh, well...um, look over there!" The Dark Alex II puppet exclaim in alarm as he points to nothing in particular. Like before, the heroes turn but this time pretending to do so. By the time they turn back, the Dark Alex II puppet went back into hiding, replaced by the Loud one.

"You again," The Loud puppet ask the heroes in concern. What the hell do they want this time?

"All right if we talk to the puppeteer again," Ken asks the puppet.

"Well, oh, all right, all right."

Soon the Loud Puppet disappears as the worried Limpet came out of hiding. Loud begins to say, "Dumpledore?"

"Please, l-l-leave me alone," Limpet plead to the heroes in worry, fearing of hearing two certain words once more. Why can't the nightmares ever stop? "I'm harmless. Really."

"Well, how about we just leave you alone, okay?"

"Oh, thank you, kind sir."

Loud and his pals however didn't leave just yet. The hero took out a drawing in hopes that the former hell pirate would at least try to help out, even if he's scared to hell of the Fatal Insult. Loud shows the drawing itself while asking, "Can you help us find this?"

"W-w-what is it," Limpet ask Loud in terror as he took one good look at the one item that he himself hasn't seen in 80 years. No, not that!

"A picture of the Fatal Insult," Hermione explain to Limpet. Hearing those two simple words once more, combined with the picture, has made the old man terrified and horrified at the same time.

"Th-th-th-the Fatal Insult?!"

Soon what happened was too much for Henry Limpet to take. He screams in terror and fear before rushing out of his puppet theater and away in more terror, leaving his puppets behind in the progress. Looks like seeing what made him a huge coward in the first place is enough to break his shell.

"Hey, wait, you forgot your puppets!" Kari yell after Limpet in surprise. Of course, the old man obviously didn't or does not want to hear her as he didn't bother to respond or come back. "Wow, I guess that's the breakthrough he needs to mend his shattered psyche."

Loud shrug as he picks up the puppets of himself and Dark Alex II off the ground that fell when Limpet has run off.

"Hey look!" Ryan said as he peeks into the theater while grinning, taking out three puppets of himself, Mowgli and Melody, "More puppets!"

"Cute," Mowgli and Melody said with smiles.

"Uh, guys? We better put these puppets away before Klink fires a cannonball at us," Loud said in concern. He's right so the hero and Ryan put the puppets away. Can't take any chances with that insane German colonel patrolling the waters.

The gang spot what appears to be some sort of school a while away from where they are at, so the heroes begin to walk over there. What could await them?

Author's note
Well, that is freaky, at least Loud and Ryan got the puppets. In the next chapter, the gang run into an old enemy of Harry's, Dolores Umbridge, who is running a school to re-educated pirates into productive members of society. Craziness and school is in session! Read, review and suggest.

Colonel Klink is one of the characters from the TV series Hogan's Heroes. His appearance comes from an episode of The Simpsons that he appears.

Henry Limpet is a character of the late Don Knotts from The Incredible Mr. Limpet. His other roles are referenced in the scene with him.