EFCI chapter 15

Author's note
Actually Skullgal94, they just found the item, the group hasn't gotten it yet. No worried, Loud and his friends will get the thing...later.

Chapter 15: Huge Tourist Trap Part 2

Kari's group didn't do much on their own search but they aren't willing to give up such yet. Soon they approach a weird dressed pirate look alike tourist named Professor Porter looking at some sort of statue of some rat in a suit. Patamon glance at the plaque reading, 'Professor Padriac Ratigan - Ratus Praeda Est?'"

"Damn, more Latin." Draco said with a frown. "Makes me wish that I bought that 'Latin for Parrots' book."

"Wow a jolly looking statue, but it looks like someone took a crowbar to that rat's head." Kari remark. It's true, the top of the statue looks like someone has broken off it very hard, maybe a hat or something.

"Excuse me, sir?" Yolei ask Porter, making him turn upon seeing the group.

"Yes?" Porter ask Yolei with a smile.

"What the hell kind of pirate are you anyway?"

"Pirate? Me? Heavens forbid, little child, I am just a humble tourist."

"I see. Well, for a tourist, you are brave." Ken compliment with a grin. "Why anyone like you would've been wise to stay away from islands with hellish pirates."

"Oh, yes, you would be right. Why in the past, I avoided islands like Holliday due to their major amount of pirate problems." Porter explain with a grin. "Luckily, my tour guide insisted that Holliday Island has since been scrubbed clean of its 'undesirable' pirate elements, if you know what I mean."

"Well, hell, what if we were to say that we know someone who is one of those undesirable pirate elements, you old bastard?" T.K. ask Porter with a smirk in hope to scare the old man.

"You? Knowing one? Don't be so hard on yourself and the whatnot! Yes, you may have gotten smelly as if you were hanging around those pirates, and may have picked up some bad matters or so, but even your friend whoever he or she is is not one tenth as vile as those despicable pirates who used to run amok on this island."

"I think Loud was just insulted and he isn't even here." Draco said in amazement.

"Seriously, sir, we do know someone who is a frigging grog drinking and sword slashing pirate." Gatomon insist to Porter in concern.

"Whatever you say, little kitty." Porter said with a slight chuckle.

"Great ensemble, sir." Kari said as she points to the clothes that Porter is wearing, much to the man's delight.

"Isn't it great? My daughter Jane picked it out for me."

"To me, it looks like a damn produce cart exploded right in your arms. Say, do you know where we can find the pieces of the Fatal Insult?"

"Oooh, what is it? A fruit flavored drink at Planet Kiddington?" Porter ask the group in interest and curiosity.

"No, it's one dangerous voodoo talisman of incredibly soul blasting ass power. Its pieces are supposed to be scattered all over Holliday Island." T.K. explain to Porter grimly. Of course, the old man just grin as if getting excited by the whole thing, instead of being scared.

"A scavenger hunt, that is thrilling! Perhaps I could help. What do the pieces look like?"

Kari nods as she took out a paper drawing of the Fatal Insult that Loud has made for her before showing it to Porter. The girl explains, "One of the pieces look like a golden man."

"Hmmm. Nope, nothing comes to mind." Porter said with a slight frown.

"The second piece looks like a bronze pirate hat." Draco said as he motions to the next part of the Fatal Insult. That caught the old man's interest as if realizing something important.

"A bronze pirate hat, eh? Well, very interesting."

"Why?"

"Why, take a look at this statue, folks." Porter said with a smile as he motions to the statue. The group glance at it carefully. Looks like the bronze hat that they're looking for used to be on this statue.

"Do you really think that the bronze hat we're looking for comes from this statue?" Ken ask Porter curiously.

"Well, that would be my guess."

Looks like the group has found the clue to the next Fatal Insult piece but where could the hat be now? Someone must've ripped the damn thing off the Ratigan statue at some point in the past, but who and where?

"How about the silver monkey head?" Kari ask as she motion to the silver monkey head on the drawing.

"Silver monkey head, eh?" Porter ask as he observe the drawing more carefully. Then the man shook his head while saying, "Sorry, drawing a blank."

"Well, we're done talking about the Fatal Insult."

"Fair enough."

Once Kari puts the drawing back into her pocket. she glance at the statue while asking, "What are you doing?"

Porter grins as he and the group turns over to the statue while the man explain, "Why, I'm admiring the craftsmanship of this statue of Holliday's most famous pirate: 'Professor Padriac Ratigan'."

"So what made Ratty so famous?" Patamon ask curiously.

"Well, besides him being a professor as well as a pirate, he was the most Friendly Pirate on Holliday Island. 'He robbed from the bad and gave to the nice. And he always say please and thank you...twice'. Ratigan is the most perfect symbol of the new, non-threatening Holliday Island."

"Ugh, don't get me wrong but this guy looks too nasty to be a nice pirate. More like a criminal mastermind with issues of being called a rat." Draco said uneasily. The others minus Porter agree with him. Ratigan statue doesn't seem like a nice pirate. And who the hell heard of a nice pirate anyway?

"Is there even a Professor Padriac Ratigan or did someone from a marketing department made him up?" Hawkmon ask Porter skeptically.

"Oh, Padriac exist all right. Why, I heard his son lives across the key on a place called 'Rock Bottom'." Porter insist with a smile. How weird.

"Say, what happened to the top of the statue?" Yolei ask puzzled as she points to the top of the statue. "Looks like someone try to gave a haircut to Ratigan and messed up."

"You know, I am not really sure. Rumors has it that some vandal making pirates from Rock Bottom invade the island and stole the statue's hat. But I refuse to believe a word of it. They did a fine job of getting those fiends off of Holliday Island."

Well, the heroes has a lead on the next Fatal Insult part: Rock Bottom. They made a note to inform Loud about this. The heroes end their conversion with Porter as they move on.

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Loud's group head over to the Star-Pirates Coffee shop near the stairs and went inside the place. The whole inside looks like your typical coffee shop all right. Loud grab a grogguccino cup that he saw through the window from outside. It's empty but the hero took the frigging thing anyhow.

The group goes over to a tray on the counter nearby with Loud noting the contents on it, "Looks like a tray of mini-bagels with some weird pasty ass goop on these babies."

A Star-Pirates Coffee employee named Squeaky-Voiced Teen spoke up, "That goop you mentioned is Star-Pirates' own Smear Whiz, a wonderfully delight blend of artificial cream cheese and salmon lox bits with the convenience of a spray on can."

"Oh great, I guess." Jesse said a bit uncomfortable by the explanation.

"We're giving away free samples today as a promotion, so help yourselves."

The heroes are still uneasy by how the Squeaky-Voiced Teen describe the bagels but each took one anyway to be polite (so to frigging speak). Loud glance at his own sample while saying, "Well, here goes nothing."

Loud bite into his piece, chewing on the thing for a moment. Suddenly the hero yelp and gags the whole crap up, putting the remains on his mouth in disgust, much to the heroes' alarm.

"Oh disgusting! Good God, that taste horrible!" Loud exclaim in disgust and annoyance. The others in worry quickly toss their samples away to avoid doing the same thing like their captain did.

A female hippo named Tillie was looking at some stuff on a shelf so Loud's group came over with Ryan asking, "Excuse me?"

"Yes?" Tillie ask Ryan with a smile.

"You don't like a pirate to me." Mowgli said to the hippo puzzled.

"A pirate?! Hee hee hee! I am a dental hygientist/actress, little boy!"

"Dental hygientist/actress?" June ask puzzled. "What one like you doing in the Toonian anyway?"

"I'm vacation, silly woman!" Tillie explain with a slight chuckle.

"Uh, isn't it a bit dangerous to vacation on pirate-infested waters?" Loud ask Tillie puzzled, though the hero knew that he would get one stupid ass answer for his question.

"Danger? Ha! I laugh in the face of danger! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Anyway, I read about how Mr. Boss been reforming Holliday Island pirates, making the island safe for sightseers and cute little shops like this one!"

Well, so far there isn't any sign of any pirates thanks to Mr. Boss and his goons rounding the hell them up and now the villain is reforming them! This is major cause for concern because who knows where they are being held at to be reformed?

"Have you seen any 'unreformed' pirates?" Loud ask Tillie in concern.

"Nope, not one. Isn't that great?" Tillie ask Loud with a smile.

"Yeah, great." Ryan said with a smile while nodding to Loud. "So what were you to say if we told you that Loud here is one of those unreformed pirates?"

"I say you are really being silly, mister!"

"Baby, that outfit is making me hungry." Loud said to Tillie with a seductive voice.

"Loud!" The others exclaim in alarm and disgust at what their damn captain just said.

"Don't get fresh with me, pal." Tillie snap to Loud in annoyance.

"What? I was really hungry!" Loud protest innocently. "Sorry."

"Listen, we were wondering if you could tell us where to find pieces of the Fatal Insult." Jesse said to Tillie hopefully. Someone on this island could have a clue on where to find the next two pieces of the Fatal Insult, right?

"Is that a new frappucino maker?" Tillie ask with a smile. Hearing that answer frigging amazes everyone. Looks like no one has heard of the Fatal Insult in years!

"No, it's a malevolent gut-wrenching power of a voodoo talisman." June explains to Tillie clearly. "We're trying to stop an evil undead pirate from assembling the frigging thing."

"Oooh, now that sound exciting! What does it look like, hmmm?"

Loud took the painting of the Fatal Drawing out as he shows it. The hero explain, "One of the pieces look like a golden man."

"Oooh. You know, I believe the local cliff diving competition has a trophy that looks like that." Tillie said thoughtfully.

"Really?" Melody ask with a smile. That is great! They found a lead on the next (and final, not knowing that their pals have found one already) piece of the Fatal Insult.

"Oh yes, little girl, I think so. There's a picture of it in the travel guide.

"So you think the golden man might be the diving trophy?" Loud ask Tillie hopefully.

"From what I remember from the travel guide, yes." Tillie said with a nod.

"The second piece looks like a bronze pirate hat." Danny said as he points to the bronze pirate hat on the drawing.

"Hmmm. Nope, can't think up a thing!"

The heroes ask about a silver monkey head though they shouldn't have bothered since Loud's group has found it already (though they're still working on getting it). Even so, Tillie has no clue to what the silver monkey head is anyway.

After ending the conversion about the Fatal Insult, Loud ask Tillie, "So whatcha doing?"

"Just picking up bags of this fabulous Star-Pirates Coffee." Tillie explain. "No way you can get this good stuff back home."

"Come on you can. There are thousands of Star-Pirate places." Ryan explain with a chuckle. There has to be more than this shop elsewhere in the seas, right?

"True, but these things has 'Holliday Island' stamped on them. All my friends back home will be so jealous!"

"To me, coffee is coffee is coffee." Mowgli remark with a shrug. "Of course, that's what grown-ups drink."

"Not me. I preferred Indian Juice." Jesse said. "That stuff is the true way of getting up in the morning."

"It's always wake-up tea for me." Ryan said with a nod.

"June and I preferred soda, that's hellva lot better than coffee." Danny said as his wife June nods in agreement with him.

"Of course you folks think that, you poor weird people." Tillie said with a giggle. "Locals never seem to appropriate what they got."

"We will be on our way." Loud said with a nod as he ends the conversion with Tillie.

"Ta!"

At this time, the gang glance at the stuff inside Tillie's shopping bag. Touristy crap, mostly, along with coffee and a Star-Pirates Coffee logo cup. The last part does look useful.

"Look, a sale on coffee beans over there!" Sweetie gasp as she point at nothing in particular with one paw.

"What? Where?!" Tillie gasp in excitement as she turn long enough for Loud to grab the coffee mug right out of the bag itself.

"Oops, our mistake."

"Oh dear! You almost gave me a heart attack!"

The group heads to the counter to make a conversion with the Squeaky-Voiced Teen who greets them with, "Welcome to Star-Pirates Coffee House. Can I help you, folks?"

"Grog me!" Loud said with a smirk.

"Sorry, sir, but we don't served straight grog here. But we do served grog-flavored coffee to choose from."

"Goddamn it, I want some grog!"

"If you want any, sir, you got to go over to the Micro-Groggery for that." The Squeaky Voiced Teen apologize to Loud, not minding the language at all. "To be honest, we prefer not to compete with independent businesses."

"Wait, doesn't your business prey on other competitors?" Melody ask the employee puzzled.

"Nah! Predatory doesn't do good to anyone but the consumers. Instead of having the one-stop shop that offers a single bland choice for whatever item you want, we prefer to specailize and give our customers literally hundreds of confusing options."

"Very well, can we have a coffee drink?" Loud ask with an annoyed sigh. If he can't get any grog, why not some coffee?

"Good, we got many coffee drinks to choose from." The Squeaky-Voiced Teen said with an approving grin.

"How about your coffee of the day?" Ryan ask curiously.

"Our feature coffee is the iced groggoccino."

"I will have one of those then." Loud said with a nod as he took out the empty cup. "Do you happen to give out free refills around this crappy place?"

"You betcha! How about I take care of it for ya?" The Squeaky-Voiced Teen ask with a smile as he takes the cup. The group watch as the employee begins filling the said cup with groggoccino. "Can't get enough of my sweet coffee goodness, eh?"

"Uhhhh, can you get me my groccoccino, sir?"

"Right, coming right up." The employee said. Once the damn cup is filled with groccoccino, the Squeaky-Voiced Teen gave the now filled cup to Loud. "Have a nice day! Visit again soon."

Loud shrugs and drinks the groccocino. Once he drank all of the contents, the hero yelps in alarm while shrieking, "Woohoohooohooo! Talk about your eye-openers! Hell, I feel like I drank an entire coffee plantation with the donkey too! Ha ha ha ha!"

Loud run around like mad as he laughs a bit. Ryan groans as he said, "Someone catch him before Loud ends up hurting someone." Mowgli, Melody and Sweetie nods as they go after Loud and grab him. Turning to the employee, the samurai said, "My friend here is a mighty pirate, surrender your women!"

"Oh come on, Ryan. Is that the best you could do?" Jesse ask with a bored look. "I mean, if it's a real pirate, that would be concerning, but this?"

"Loud is too hyped up to do it right now!"

"Oh very good, sir. You almost sounded like a real pirate yourself." The Squeaky-Voiced Teen said to Ryan with a grin. "Can I make you a coffee drink?"

"BUT I AM A REAL PIRATE!" Loud laughs madly as he struggles in his friends' hold like crazy.

"So am I! Watch! Aaarrrgh!"

"Whoa, yikes!" June exclaim in alarm and surprise. This guy was a pirate?

"Yeah, pretty good eh? I was the top of my class at the Pirate Training Academy." The Squeaky-Voiced Teen said with a grin. "Anyway, folks, what can I get ya?"

"So what do the hip pirates drink?" Danny ask the Squeaky-Voiced Teen curiously.

"That would be the iced groccoccino."

"I think we will have one of those." Ryan said as he take the cup, empty once more, from the hyped-up Loud, holding it to the Squeaky-Voiced Teen. "Still, still offering that free refill?"

"You betcha, sir! Let me take care of that for you." The Squeaky-Voiced Teen said as he take the cup and filling it back up with groccoccino once more. "Can't get enough of my sweet coffee goodness, eh?"

"Uhhhh, can you get me my groccoccino, sir?"

"Right, coming right up." The employee said. Once the damn cup is filled with groccoccino, the Squeaky-Voiced Teen gave the now filled cup to Ryan. "Have a nice day! Visit again soon."

Ryan nods as he pockets the cup before the group (with the kids still holding Loud) leaving. The captain isn't getting any more coffee until he calm down and learns to control his caffeine.

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Kari's group enter the Micro-Groggery that is nearby. The whole place looks like your usually bar though with a Sealeo ride nearby. The bartender, whose name is Cid Highwind, notices them as he greet, "Welcome to the finest micro-groggery in this town!"

The group spot Shego sitting at the bar, looking drunk like hell. When they came over, T.K. exclaim, "Shego!"

"Where?" Shego ask stupidly and drunkedly.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" Kari ask Shego in concern.

"What does it look like I was doing, lady?"

"Apparently, you look like you're trying to drink yourself to oblivion with micro-grog stuff!"

"Ooooh, good idea! Thanks for the damn suggestion!" Shego exclaim to Kari with a drunk smile. Apparently, she has too much already.

"Why are you getting drunk?" Hawkmon ask Shego in concern.

"Drinking to forget, duh."

"Forget what?" T.K. ask puzzled.

"Hell, I forgot." Shego said with a groan. Looks like all that drinking did help her forget something or two.

"What, trying to forget Cartoon Island?" Draco ask Shego puzzled.

"THAT'S IT!" Shego exclaim in realization and drunken annoyance. Looks like the bitch will have to drink all over again to do the forgetting once more. "I'm drinking to forget all that time that I've spent stranded on Cartoon Island. Oh yeah, thanks for bringing that up, parrot boy. Now I'm going to drink all over just to forget again."

"Hey, sorry."

"Shego, drinking is not really the answer, Shego." Gatomon said to Shego with a sigh, trying to help the woman with her problems.

Shego groans while saying, "That depends on the question, damnit."

"Say, can you help us find the pieces of the Fatal Insult?" Ken ask Shego though the boy doubt that the pirate would bother lifting a finger (or her ass) to help the group at all.

"Let me tell ya, Ben...Ten...Ken...how about I stay here and keep an eye out for any pieces of the Fatal Insult that could stop by, okay?"

"Umm..."

"All right then! Barkeep! More grog, ya biserable mastard! Urk!" Shego order to Cid with a hiccup.

"So how do you like this place so far?" Yolei ask Shego.

"Oh, horrible. The grog is weaker than my frigging pinky finger, they refused to let me get into any swordfights in this damn dump, and the chips here have cottage cheese on them, you know?"

"I don't get it. If this place is awful, why don't you leave?" Patamon ask Shego puzzled.

"Two reason'ous: one, this is the only goddamn frigging place that a pirate gal like me can find a drink on this godforsaken family-friendly hell of an island. And..." Shego hiccups a bit before finishing up, "B, someone must've stolen my damn legs."

"Why?"

"'Cause I can't feel them no more."

"We'll let you get back to your shore leave, so to speak." T.K. said, deciding to leave Shego alone to her thoughts (whichever still left anyway).

"Aye-aye, whatever." Shego said with a nod.

"Hey there." Ken said as he and the others turn their attention to Cid who notices them.

"Howdy, what can I do for you, folks?" Cid ask the heroes with a grin.

"We'd like a drink please." Yolei said to Cid with a nod.

"Got some ID?"

"Well, no, not really. Come to think about it, none of us do."

"Well, can't give you any of the good stuff, but I could give you the new low-inebriation grog-like beverage. I called it 'Grog Jr.'s'." We made it in our micro-groggery for people just like you folks." Cid said. "There's enough alcohol in this baby to stun a skinny parrot."

"Hey!" Draco exclaim in offensive.

"No offense, buddy."

"What's the point of that anyway?" Yolei ask Cid skeptically.

"Well, try some and tell me what you think." Cid said as he took out a mug of Grog Jr. crap, giving it to the group.

"Hmmm, perhaps later." T.K. said as he pockets the Grog Jr. Perhaps this drink is better elsewhere besides drinking. "How's business?"

"Man, it's great! This is the only place in the entire Tri-Island Area where people can come and get gourmet freshly-distilled grog. Folks come all over to sample our 65 different variations of grog and grog-by products! We got Snoot Groggy Grog, Green Grog, Dangerous Dark, Siren's Urine which is named for its color and not contents, and our award winning Stale Ale! Every grog we got is distilled lovingly and and individually by members of the MicroGrogger family."

"Say, what about old fashioned grog grog?" Ken ask Cid curiously.

"What are you, some kind of weird hick?" Cid ask Ken with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Say what is that thing with the saddle over there?" Draco ask as he glance at the Sealeo nearby.

"That little parrot is what I called the Menacing Mechanical Sealeo!"

"The hell? What is a Sealeo?" Kari ask Cid puzzled.

"A Sealeo is an Ice/Water Type Pokemon that grazes on sea grass and other plant life in shallow waters. They are typically 9 to 10 feet long and weight about 1000 pounds."

"Come on, that is menacing?" Patamon ask Cid in disbelief. "Doesn't sound like it! More like a swimming walrus!"

"Oh yeah, pig with wings? Let's see one of you folks try to snatch grass out of a Sealeo's mouth and see how menacing it gets!" Cid challenge Patamon with a damn smirk on his face.

"So what is this mechanical Sealeo for anyway?" T.K. ask Cid curiously.

"Mostly to entertain the customers. We got a promotional special though. We are currently giving away a Planet Kiddington coupon for a complimentary Monkey Mug Meal to anyone who can ride the Sealeo at the highest setting!"

"This whole Sealeo thing is strange to me." Yolei said in concern. "How about we talk about something else?"

"Fine by me." Cid said with a shrug. But if any of the strangers want to try the Sealeo, hell, good luck.

"Why is this island so...wholesome? Any idea though we kinda figured the hell out by now?"

"The inhabitants of this island, in conjunction with Mr. Boss Enterprises, have done their best to keep this island friendly and clean and family compliant."

"Family compliant?" Kari ask in surprise.

Cid nods as he continues, "You got it. We don't have use for those surly, ragamuffin pirate types on this island. Not very good role models to be honest."

"Role models? Hope Loud doesn't hear you say that." Gatomon said with a smirk. She knew Loud would be pissed if Cid told that to his own damn face.

"Oh, sound surprised? What, you're friends with one of those scruffy undesirable pirate types that scare little kids or something? If so, I should call the authorities!"

This cause the group to yelp, worrying for Loud's safely. T.K. quickly said, "No, no! Absolutely not! Loud...he try to plant a tree...and give out swordfight insu...err, grammar lessons to kids every day!"

"Right, we are no friends to those pirate assholes, yeah!" Yolei said in agreement quickly.

"Oh good for you." Cid said with a nod. What the two said sure fooled him. That was a close one.

"Hey, I like to take a crack at riding that Sealeo thing." T.K. said with a grin as he glance at Kari. Perhaps riding Sealeo would impress his girlfriend hellva big time. Plus, that Monkey Mug Meal at Planet Kiddington does sound good right about now.

"Okay then, pal! Let's see what you can do!"

T.K. grins as he goes over to the Sealeo, getting on the thing. Kari cheers happily, "Go for it, T.K. Kick some ass!"

"Now then, I will start on the 'Bed Wetter' setting. That shouldn't be hard for a stout young guy like you." Cid said to T.K. with a grin. "Ready?"

"Ready!" T.K. said in frigging determination as he sit in his seat eagerly, ready for anything. Suddenly the Sealeo machine starts up, moving around with the boy trying to hang on. "Whoa! Whoa! Whoooa! Hooowa!" T.K. scream the last part as the thing toss him right off and onto the floor. "Ooof! Ow!"

The others gasp as they rush over and help him up. Ken said in concern, "T.K. You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, man that stings."

Cid laughs madly a bit as he remark, "Ha ha ha ha! I have seen drunk old ladies who held on tighter than that! Ha ha ha ha! Bed wetter! Heh heh heh."

Kari looks pissed off at Cid's remark. How dare he involves T.K. like that?! The girl snap furiously. "How dare you, asshole?! I like to see you try it! Want to go?!"

"Whoa, whoa, chill, girl! I was joking! I was just having fun. Look, if he or any of you want to try again, you can!"

"Perhaps later." Ken said with a sigh as he and the others head out the doors. Looks like the Sealeo ride and the Monkey Mug Deal will have to wait another day.

"Man, Kari, I'm so sorry. Hell, I feel so humiliated by that." T.K. said with a groan. Kari smiles as she hugs the boy, much to his surprise. "Kari?"

"You did your best, I am proud." Kari said as she kiss T.K. on the cheek making the boy smile a bit. At least the girl still loves him even after a humiliation like that.

Author's note
Well, that was humiliating for T.K.

T.K.: Still, I kept Kari.

Me: Right. The exploration is not over yet, folks. In the next chapter is part 3 of this arc as the group meet an aging high diver with Loud challenging him for the trophy, which he needs for the Fatal Insult, but how can our hero beat him? Also, the group meets up with Daffy who got a new job.

Daffy: Ha ha! Daffy is back!

Me: Right. Read, review and suggest, folks.

Professor Porter is Jane's father from the Tarzan franchise.